Monday, March 21, 2011


SNAKE!!! I shouted the word just as I flailed the blankets off my chest, and off her's in the process, and knelt upright in the bed. Get BACK! I moved forward to protect my woman, setting myself as the only target, my hands open and arms wide in order to stop the monster if it was to attempt passage.

It was the first night Linda and I had slept together; the sex, wild, lengthy, exhausting. My house in the city was small and old, the corners dark. The urban noise seeped through it's lath and plaster walls as if they were cardboard, the stained glass windows left prismatic, creeping shadows as cars passed on the icy streets. It could be a spooky place if you let it be; the previous owner had died in it and some people couldn't swallow that thought without choking on it.

My bedroom, a relic of my divorce, was sparsely furnished...bed, frame...umm bed...frame...

I'd turned the real bedroom into an office once my ex had stripped me of my possessions and dignity; and utilitarian that I was, I moved my queen sized bed and frame into the tiny room to the front of the house. Between the radiator, the window and the entry and closet doors, there was really no place for anything else anyway, beyond a few sailboat posters and the standard single man dust bunny herd.

We'd dated a few months, I'd written her poetry and read her Poe; what was left besides sex? She hated driving into the city, she was a country mouse and the nutcases I called neighbors scared her and her family as well. But she'd already seen me naked, an accident caused by walking up on me as I was sauna/swimming at our shared campsite during our first canoe trip. I was unaware that her long walk alone had ended prematurely so I was devoid of my usual petty modesty. Something about seeing my non chicken legs and non concave butt made her crazy, and more than willing to follow me home to witness the remainder in person.

We'd spent all night at it; not easy for a man out of shape who smoked like a chimney. Once we'd finished, there was nothing left for snacks or chit chat; or even a quick cig for an incorrigible addict. We'd passed out cold and slept the sleep of the dead... until the snake.

It-was-Huge! A Boa maybe, or Anaconda perhaps! Luckily I'd spotted it out of the corner of my eye as I sometimes slept with an eye or two partially open. And now as it began to slither onto our bed I took to my role as savior, martyr, knight in nakedness, and leaped to the fore to protect my lil darlin, my new playmate and wife in training.

Already being a light sleeper and in a new and mildly uncomfortable setting, Linda was already half awake when I shouted; so jumping out of the way to cower in the corner was not a problem for her. She tells me that I knelt there for some time, looking from the back a bit like Jesus on the cross with my arms akimbo and my head tilted to one side...presumably listening for the hiss so I could target my enemy in the dark.

And then as she curled there, heart thumping wildly, sweat forming on her brow, I relaxed my formerly tightly strung musculature and lay back down, squishing my pillow into it's customary position and reaching back to pull the slightest bit of sheet over my bare ass, as if a napkin would keep me warm. Within a split second I was "sleeping breathing" as she calls it, out like a light with a satisfied smile on my angelic, dimpled face.

For an hour she tells me, she just sat there shivering, asking herself ad nauseum if it was possible that a snake could just happen to be in the bedroom of a hundred year old house in a northern city in the middle of the coldest winter in a decade. Not only a snake, but a massive snake bent on feeding on human females.

She finally settled back to sleep as even fright couldn't stay her from lapsing into unconsciousness, the sex had just been too damn good.

When I awoke, I had no memory whatsoever of the snake, or even my heroism
...Dammit! It happened once in a while, my Rem interrupted by some movement or shadow interpretation seen through my ever so slightly opened eyes. My first wife had once accused me of dancing in bed. I claimed I was putting on my underwear and was too stupid to do it on the floor rather than trying to stand on one leg at a time on a squishy mattress in the filtered light of the moon. But she might have been right. I only wonder whether I was any good or not since I don't dance when I'm conscious cuz I think I look stoopid.

I had to hand it to Linda; if she was able to withstand my sleepscreaming on our very first night together and still come back for more, how could I let her get away? You bet I married her, I'm not as dumb as I dream.

Amazingly, I haven't seen any snakes since that night, at least not in our bed. Don't ask me about wolves though, that's another few pages and it's getting late.


  1. Thanks for the laughter :)

    (and the relief, actually. I thought a bed snake was a... you know... and because i love you read it anyway.)

  2. *claps* You're both pretty smart, though I don't know if I'd have Linda's fortitude. :)