Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Hungry Manhole

Author's note: (If one is not aware of the awesomsauce that is the "ped", one will find this treatise rather confusing, so to eliminate the casual reader's consternation I would preface with this excerpt from the famous ode "Ped's Xing".

I once saw a street sign that cautioned “Peds Xing!!”
I thought to ask dad how a ped might appear
But just then my manhood denied me the question
A “man” wouldn’t ask, he’d just burp and drink beer

So I pondered the issue while riding to nowhere
I figured a ped must be human of sorts
Perhaps one was tiny, like ants, or amoeba
Well surely the peds would have pedlian sports!

They’d play, in their tournaments, “Run through the traffic”
The rules would be simple; “try not to get squashed”!
For most of the peds this advice was well heeded
(Except for ped “Brewer”, who often was sloshed)

To prove that one made it across the wide pavement
An “X” drawn in crayon would herald one’s deed
And that’s how the humans knew peds were in danger
From millions of “X”s that marked the stampede

Ped Baker was furious. He’d expressly ordered Thunderfoot to deliver the cake to the wedding site just across the road in the wee hours of the morning, before the inevitable day’s traffic began to churn. He’d only visited his shop to make sure it was locked before heading to the festivities. Baker had donned a tux that morning, and most certainly wasn’t dressed for a delivery. But there seemed little choice now. He donned his most clean apron and snatched up the inch tall, 13 layer kransekake and headed for Johnny Cake Ridge Road.

Luckily, peds were all but invisible to humans. It was said that were the beast able to see peds, they would aim their cars for them, as they aim toward slush droppings and puddles. So while some pedlian philosophers might argue that it was a tragedy that peds were unnoticed, thinking as philosophers do that all creatures are kind at heart and surely humans would welcome the peds into the family of Earth bound vertebrates and never ever run them over for fun, most common sense peds understood the difference between deep thought and reality, and learned to sprint at a very early age.

Ped Baker stood on the western curb of Johnny Cake Ridge and hollered over to the wedding party. “I have the cake” he called out to ped Lifesover and his wife to be, ped Ballen Chain; “as soon as I can dodge the traffic I’ll be right there!”

Sadly, ped Brewer had already been celebrating, well before the vows were taken, in fact well before the sunrise if you must know, and he volunteered himself to assist ped Baker with the wedding cake, immediately dashing into the street and drawing an “x”, as all peds must do whenever they touch pavement.

“Gods NO!” ped Baker screamed, as ped Brewer wound his way through the whizzing tires. It was too late, Brewer was nicked by a passing valve stem and was flopped to the ground, right in the middle of the street!

The wedding party gasped! Not one of them was a member of the Pedlian Fire and Rescue squad, nor had training in ped dragging, nor were any of them particularly quick on their feet. Of course they all wanted to help, but the risk of being squished flatter than ped Breastless’ chest (poor thing) was too frightening to bear.

Ped Baker moaned. Naturally he was the only ped who might affect a rescue. He was Pedlian foot race Xer of the year, every year in the last decade, and he was a certified Road Ranger to boot. Still, he had a problem. Assuming Baker would need both hands for the job and would need to leave the cake before running, were he to snatch ped Brewer, which way would he drag him? If he were to bring him back “cake side”, Brewer would no doubt awaken sometime later, see the wedding was taking place across the road and try to stumble back to it so as to share in a few more brews, and likely end up in the same pickle yet again. But if he were to drag Brewer to the wedding, he would need to cross Johnny Cake Ridge twice more, just to fulfill his cakey contract. There was really no choice; he would have to bring the cake along.

Well as I’m sure you can guess, trying to drag a Brewer across a road through whizzing traffic with only one hand, whilst balancing a one inch tall 13 layer kransekake in the other hand is a feat that defies imagination. And as with most things that defy imagination, it didn’t turn out so well.

Yes, Brewer was saved, in spite of himself. And Baker was roundly cheered for his bravery and swiftness; the legend was enhanced that day. And yes, the wedding went off without a hitch; that is save the one… there was no cake.

You see, the particular spot in which ped Brewer had decided to have his consciousness removed by a random valve stem, also sported a manhole cover, unbeknownst to the majority of peds (save Ped Magellan who had charted every inch of the tarmac from McAndrews Road to Pilot Knob, but who also hated his fellow peds and so, never gave out his information) and as ped Baker was trying to get ped Brewer across his back for a fireman carry, he’d set the cake down for just a moment and whoosh!, away it went!

Now I’m only telling you this story because one day you might find yourself wandering through the rain sewer that lies precisely 8 feet under the middle of the road called Johnny Cake Ridge, and you could find yourself quite famished (as it is rather strenuous work to venture along in a rain sewer as we all know). If this is ever the case, be aware that the most fabulous one inch tall 13 layer pedlian master baker kransekake wedding cake is sitting right in front of you, and you have the entire wedding party’s permission to have a piece without so much as sending a card of congratulations in return. I just thought you might want to know. I hate to see a great cake go to waste!


Ped CircumScribe

1 comment: