Sunday, January 27, 2013

It's 5:21, Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

There's something about the sound a digital watch alarm makes that makes hair grow on my palms; it's something in the pitch maybe, or in the fact that it just won't SHUTTUP!!!!!

At 5:21PM each day I'm treated to a 60 second chorus of beep beep beep beep while my wife acts as if I'm really not gouging my eyes from their sockets. Months ago as we rode in her truck the chime called from her wrist. After a dozen beeps I turned to her, quizzically cocking my head and waiting for the inevitable; for her to reach down with her left hand and shut the damn thing off!

"Well?" I said as a grin slowly creeped across her still staring straight ahead face. She just ignored me in her Linda way, saying nothing in response as if I had already read her mind and now we were square.

I let the mystery go as the watch stopped chirping and some Linda-like traffic move snatched my attentions elsewhere. But as we walked into the house I raised my hand and asked again..."Well?"

She laughed in her Linda way and fidgeted, giving me ample reason to pursue the answer with everything I had as it was sure to be mighty interesting at least, if it made her fidget.

She saved me the trouble of the inquisition. Like Stan Laurel when confronted by Ollie over some silly manuever, she started to speak too fast using too many words at a time in her squeaky Linda voice.

"Well the first time it went off I just started hitting buttons until it turned off and then I had to find the stupid instructions and the print is so small it was hard to read but after probably an hour I found out how to set the stupid thing and shut it off for real."

I was encouraged by this news. She had read the instructions and no doubt knew their location so she might peruse them again if necessary. But I was too clever to assume we were done; she wasn't finished quite yet.

"Then I bumped it one day and it went off again, at least I think I bumped it cuz I sure didn't set it and I couldn't remember how to shut it off but I knew if I just started hitting buttons I'd shut it off now but it'd just come on again some other time so now I just ignore it."

My lower jaw hung in midair while I tried to choose between laughter and good natured abuse. My head just instinctively rocked left, then right as it's done so many times since we've married, and I found myself speechless for the first time in a long time.

"You've got to be kidding" crossed my mind once or twice, but this was Linda, the woman that navigates by tall trees and other landmarks that change with the seasons; I knew that once she'd set her mind to something, it would beep until the cows came home.

Ever since I've badgered her at 5:21PM as often as we are together and within range of her fifteen dollar casio alarm, and we've had many a good laugh over her torture device driving me insane. I was extra proud that my wife, the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with, was one of a kind; a most unique woman with the most clever quirks imaginable.

A few days ago she came home with a story to tell and just couldn't wait for me to settle into a chair before beginning. She'd taken a night's work at a county park to play a witch during a children's halloween party; And as she stood talking to the other characters, she heard an annoying beep coming from within one costume.

All eyes turned to the young girl who was sounding like an oven timer until the woman next to her laughed and said, "Don't worry it's not a bomb. My daughter bought this watch and somehow the alarm got set and we can't figure out how to turn it we just let it beep every day at 7:17PM until it stops."

Ok, so I have the only wife who's watch goes off at 5:21PM-cst. That's still unique isn't it?

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