Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The True End of Marriage as we Know It

Ok, here’s a big change I recommend which will contribute to world peace and a lessening of communal vitriol from sea to shining sea. The topic is Marriage.


As defined by various dictionaries, marriage is…

▸ noun: the act of marrying; the nuptial ceremony ("Their marriage was conducted in the chapel")
▸ noun: two people who are married to each other ("His second marriage was happier than the first")
▸ noun: the state of being a married couple voluntarily joined for life (or until divorce) ("A long and happy marriage")
▸ noun: a close and intimate union ("The marriage of music and dance")

And according to the etymology dictionary, marriage is…

c.1300, from O.Fr. marriage (12c.), from V.L. *maritaticum, from L. maritatus, pp. of maritatre "to wed, marry, give in marriage" (see marry).
"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition until death do them part." [G.B. Shaw]


Ok, we’ll skip the etymology except to highlight the words violent, delusive, insane and transient, asserting that they speak for themselves. Oh and, add the part about remaining in that state until the death of one participant. Good luck with that. Oh yea and one last one... it's French, which means (I'd bet) it was pronounced "Mayrazh", and we all know what mirage means!

So that’s the formation of the word, and in the dictionary you’ll note much of the same bent, as in (or until divorce) and the word “voluntary”, which as any charitable organization who has had people volunteer in droves and then just not show up would tell you, describes a fungible commodity.

Here are a couple myths. Marriage is love. A few years ago we all were bombarded with this cliché. Do you see the word love in anything copy and pasted above? No. Why? Because one is not necessarily tied to the other in any fashion save haphazardly. Surely some couples THINK it is when first they embark on the two-headed journey, but in the vast majority of cases they learn that love is a squirmy fish, and if that’s all marriage is about then marriage be damned.

Marriage is necessary for the raising of children. C’mon people. Look at Romulus and Remus! Not only didn’t they have a daddy, but mommy wasn’t even human! (At least the mommy that raised the little pups) And they did ok wouldn’t you say? Even the state can raise children, and let’s face it, no one but Stalin wants to be married to the state, and he’s dead. Anyone can raise a kid, old, young, male, female, married or never! (I forgot human or wolf... sorry)

What marriage is, succinctly, is a legal contract. Everything else attributed to it is just fluff. It is a way to delineate on paper who will accept whose debts, who will be able to visit who in the hospital and who gets to decide when to pull the plug. Marriage is really a boilerplate for worst case scenario, as in who gets what when who leaves who whether by winged heavenly creature or greyhound bus. So why the hell do we call it marriage anyway?

I get the usage as an adjunct to “nuptial ceremony”, but adjuncts are overrated (ask the vice president of anything) and nuptial ceremony sounds so much cooler it’s like saying “ant infested lumpy grounded mastication” rather than “picnic”. Add to that something I heard long ago when this fight over marriage was just beginning; to paraphrase “Over half of marriages end in divorce, so why do straight people think it’s so special anyway?”

Yes, why indeed. That very semi-quote only drove me to the next obvious train of thought, “since they are so laughable in their desire to keep it the way it is, why the hell would you want it too? If they all had these furry pets that late at night would burrow through their rectums and eat them from the inside out, would you be demanding access to their private stock? I think not!

So here’s the skinny; if someone heretofore feels a most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passion, tell them to see a psychiatrist right away. But if someone says they want to be “married” (shudder), correct them immediately! Tell them what they want is to be “Contractually Obligated ‘till Whenever!”

Yes friends, it’s simple really. If “Marriage" is the stumbling block to this happy and healthy society’s future, then (and one side will get this totally dudes) “if thine own eye offends thee, pluck it out!” Vote for the elimination of the word marriage, to be replaced by COWed!

I know, I know, the struggle is all important. This isn’t about marriage at all, it’s about complete acceptance. But sadly, those who would need to be convinced won’t be, even if and when those that don’t need to be convinced knock them down with it and rub it in their faces. So really, all the battle will do in the end is take a snide, nasty prejudice and turn it into a seething hatred because it’s IN YOUR FACE! (I grant there’s hatred out there already, on both sides, and has been for a long long time, so maybe a half dozen more generations of mutual contempt flaring into the occasional beatdown by and to both sides is just ok, especially if it’s not your personal ass that’s suffering the kicking; but I offer an opportunity to keep the crap where it is and still affect the desired result, or at least the stated desired result, which we know isn’t the real desired result but play along, it’s just satire.)

I’m more than happy to begin the switchover. I admit it here and now! I am not married to Linda, I am COWed! Once the concept spreads, what legislators would stand in the way of laws proclaiming being COWed to be an absolute human right? It’s a CONTRACT people, everything else is random! Could be sex, might not be sex, could be either doing chores, might be neither doing chores. All we know for certain is that when so and so dies, such and so gets all their stuff! JUST LIKE MARRIAGE, but without the icky name.

I know, this all seems too simple; but think about it, all things in life are really that simple. Hungry? Eat. Wanna be happy? Be happy! Wanna stop fighting? So STOP already! Wanna be COWed? Well who in the hell would stand in your way? It’s like signing mortgage papers, which (and I hate to be redundant here) are JUST LIKE MARRIAGE PAPERS. And think of the possibilities! Simple like no delineation of partner numbers! Want 3? 6? A bakers dozen? No problem! And for the gentle valley folk from the southern hill country, it's a CONTRACT! It says nothing about COWing COUSINS!

If the issue is truly equality, the rights that “marriage” provides, then change the name and get on with it. If that kid is eating a grape and I have a watermelon that I choose to call a grape, I see us as equals… in fact I think I got the better of the situation. But if the issue is truly making people accept something that they refuse to so that all distrust, anger, isms and vitriol will vanish from the planet, well then fight on my brothers and sisters, the fight is just and you’ll be long dead before it still doesn’t change as in my opinion to fix the ills of communal society the planet will need a reboot not an html fiddle. We are human. Too bad really, we could have been fish. You see fish worrying about homo and heterosexuality? NO! You see females drop a little egg mass and some random male will swim up and spit on it. Beyond that, all the little fishies in the deep blue see just go along to get along.

Of course, there’ll always be a few barracudas in the crowd, but with them at least you don’t need to argue or insult or inadvertently hurt feelings or take sides or not take sides and inadvertently hurt more feelings…. you just get eaten. Sigh. Wouldn’t life be grand as a carp.

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