Thursday, February 21, 2013

Oh and... One More Thing

I was just about to pass the test to become an American citizen, finally, after jumping through all their hoops for almost 8 years. Id signed reams of paperwork, learned the language, including three local dialects, contributed to local politicians, stayed free of the law, even to the point of never receiving a traffic ticket. I was pretty much a golden boy, someone the country could use, a real asset, ready to hit the ground running. The only issue was I’d missed a bunch of questions on the citizenship test, like the one about Thomas Jefferson. I was pretty sure he’d started a motel chain, but it turns out that was Howard Johnson. And now here I sit, last question to decide whether I get my social security number and make my first real pledge of allegiance, or spend another 8 years trying to wade through fire to get here again.

The instructor looked at me and said “Spell column.”

Spelling! WTF! They didn’t say anything about spelling on this test! I clenched my teeth and racked my brain. Surely I’d seen the word somewhere. I stammered a bit as I said
“C-O-L-U-M… Colum!” When the teach told me he was so sorry but… I lost it.

“What kind of fucking moron puts an “n” in column? What kind of a stupid country is this? Can’t you people do anything right? Couldn’t you have given me antidisestablishmentarianism? At least I practiced that you idiot!”

I write this from my cell in Guantanamo. I guess I should have skipped the part about blowing up the Congressional Library Dictionaries…

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