Thursday, April 18, 2013

A Bout of Spring Fever

So I gets up this mornin and I’m feelin kinda cranky cuz this gol dang winter is longer than Sarah Palin’s nose, so I switch on the Enshrinkerator and jump into the garden hose, grab my surfboard and traveling monkey and jets off to Rabbit Hole.

So I zip by the bubble shark altogether and land at the Pardy Hardy’s Café where I know the fae hang out and sure enough, there’s the Queen, so I sidles up to her all nonchalant like (after buying and consuming a few scones with strawberry cream cuz I’m not sure how this’ gonna go and I don’t want to miss my chance)

“Queenie” I says, (even though we’re on a first name basis I can’t pronounce her first name cuz it’s got all kinds of ackkk’s and pffft’s and crap in it) "how about you and your painters get busy out there? It’s the middle-o-April already for Pratchett’s sake, and there ain’t nothing green ‘cept my envy of southern folk!”

“Ronnie” she says, (even though she knows my name’s Ron and I hate that bastardization of it) "there’s still snow out there and you know full well our contract states in section 64, paragraph 4.76.3 “in the event the middle of March shall come and yet winter is still omnipresent, no Fairy shall be held responsible for the color of the grass. Neither shall any blade thereof be properly painted until said winter has departed and all snows have been melted away.”

“Queenie” I says, “who created your contract? That’s really crappy writing says I.”

“Ronnie” she counters, “This world is full of crappy writers.” And then she and her retinue laugh like they think I don’t know if the world was written by me that I am all the crappy writers she’s talking about.

“So Queenie” I says, just to break up the beginning of the sentence a little, “what should I do then? Cuz I sure am sick and tired of this winter!”

“Ronnie” she says, “melt the snow and I’ll get right on the job!”

So not wanting to stick around for the next peal of laughter I go lookin for my pal Flamey, the pocket dragon! I explain the problem to him and while sucking up as best I can, intimate the only he and his relatives can melt the snow and save me from OverWinter Lengthiness Syndrome (That’s Owliness to you)

“Sorry Ronnie” Flamey says, knowing it bugs the crap outa me, “I can’t help you. We’ve all been laid off!”

“Laid off,” I said , “I didn’t even know it was your job!”

“Oh yes” says Flamey, “We public Pocket Dragons take great pride in our work, but we don’t do it for free ya know. And since Mayor Snake McWalker crushed our union and did away with collective bargaining, we’ve gone on strike!”

“Aw crap” says I, in my colorful way, “can’t we like put a sunlamp on him to get the Snake to shed a skin or two so at least we could show the skins on TV and accuse him of running around naked? Or something?”

“I’m afraid all that’s been tried Ronnie. We’ll just have to wait for the rot that obviously infected his brain to finish the job! I’m guessin… about a month!”

“Double Crap” I says.

So knowing I’m screwed and winter’s never ending no matter what that moron woodchuck says, I go trompin back off to the garden hose for my trip back home… and suddenly I’m stopped by Dusty, my favorite Pixie and he says “C’mon buddy, I can cheer you up!”

And so we go to the Pixie concert hall and he sits me right in the front row and all the Pixie string players come out and play Hearts and Flowers for me on the worlds REAL smallest violins, as opposed to the ones in that stupid joke everyone tells (which are much much bigger).

Then I goes back home to the sound of Pixie giggles (which you think would be cute but are really just annoying as hell, especially today) and enlargify myself just in time to get depressed cuz winter’s still here and I shrunk my testicles just a little more (side effect of the enshrinkerator) for nothing!

So, I think I’ll kill myself. But that’s so cliché I think I’ll do it in a really novel way. I’m gonna overdose on sugar. Yes, I’m gonna go out in a huge sugar rush! Then those creatures will be sorry they made fun of me!

“Unicorn” I says, “Take me to the grocery! I’m in the mood for Bavarian Cremes!”

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