Friday, April 12, 2013

Give 'Em Enough Rope

I swear I can feel the blood pulsing through the few hairs left on my head; maybe it's just the banging in my temples reverberating, shaking the layers of my skin as if seven  tectonic plates were in session, feeding each follicle a shiver and quiver like a miniature forest ripped from the ground by the big quake. Whatever it is, it's driving me nuts as if I needed something else to pile on.

I can hardly believe my neck didn't snap, I guess I didn't plan this very well. I always sucked at eyeballed height measurement; I should have been smart enough to actually measure. Yea that'd be good; HEY YOU! What're you doin over there with that tape measure!

MORON! It coulda been pills or guns or any number of bloody techniques, but I had to pick hanging like it seemed so prophetic or something; feet never touched the ground, for a moment I flew and nothing else mattered. Creatives, BAH!

Boom! That's what I shoulda done. All I needed was a pistol. Well, duh stupid, that's why we're here. No guns I said, Poe would never have approved of firearms. Fuck Poe; this is what I get for reading Edgar Allen fucking Poe! I shoulda been reading the life and times of George Patton, I wouldn't be swinging like a pendulum to the delight of Mister Morbid's Ghost!

I'm so full of myself I even screwed up my own suicide, I HATE PAIN, that was the whole point of this freakin exercise, and here I am choking to death, standing on my tiptoes like a fucking ballet dancer in a rotting warehouse that hasn't smelled blood since it's last industrial accident probably two decades ago. Now there's a headline I want spread around, Pathetic Loser Pirouettes To His Death. Like my life hasn't been enough of a humiliation I have to make sure my immortality can be just as insipid, my tiny dancer picture posted on every irony loving bloggy website from here to Mars.

If I just let go, just l-o-w-e-r- JESUS that hurts! HAHA I'm dying and I still can't stop whining about paper cuts. God I'm a clown. I wonder what that nasty spike of pain is though, I wonder if I did some spinal damage in the fall. Man wouldn't that be just my style; to live through an attempted suicide by trading standard run of the mill self pity for what's called life, as a parafreakingplegic...better yet a quad! Well, I suppose I shouldn't push it, my legs still work or I'd not be breathing at all.

But I wonder what it is with my arms, GOD if I just had use of my arms I could reach up to the thirteen loops and pull myself up...well, presuming I could even pull my fat ass off the ground. Yea, wouldn't that be funny if I actually could use my arms and I didn't have the strength to pull my self free of this fucking noose and I had to give up and let myself die because I let myself balloon being depressed about letting myself balloon. FUCK I hate myself! Damn You, why couldn't I just have died, is this some big heavenly joke, is this a test to see if I'm worthy? Just wave bubye and pull the freakin trigger; so send me to hell already just get this over with!

Shit! the rope just tightened a notch, it's on my adam's apple for God's sake get it off get it off! Dammit I can't breath-this sucks I gotta twist...jump! Jump a little maybe I can shake it...there...Oh Man that was close, I was startin' to get dizzy. I suppose if I pass out that's the end of it; maybe that'd be the best idea, if only I could actually do it, take the pain, close my eyes and let go. What a pussy; I get up the guts to kill myself and it goes wrong, and now that I'm this close I can't just take the hit and finish the job. Man, if there was ever a doubt as to why I should be dead...

This must look incredibly stupid, like a Halloween party decoration. Of course, I’ll be lucky if anyone finds me before I’m a skeleton, I just had to pick this place that even the homeless avoid. Ok, what the fuck’s that noise, I can’t tell what direction it’s coming from. HAHAHA this is hilarious, my head cocked to one side, my neck stretched and probably rubbed through to the bone, dancing on my tippytoes like a freakin fairy and now I’ve got some kind of critters rummaging around. Maybe it’s a hobo and he’ll do me the favor of whacking me over the head. Won’t he be surprised to find out I have no cash on me. Hahaha. Like a ghost needs money...don’t leave home without it hehe; Sorry man, I was on my way to hell, I figured they'd let me in without the usual fee...after all....I did kill myself and all, that's gotta count for somethin'.

Screw, what’s that now! Something’s bumping against my feet. Maybe it’s some tool I can stand on or...nope, it moved. Ah hell, it’s scratching at my sock, it’s a rat I’ll bet. Damn if I could just turn enough to see... HEY...fucker bit me. Get away you freak! Geez now what...maybe I can swing, maybe I can take the extra weight on my jaw and kick this sucker into the next county. There, got it goin’ a little, it’s hard to tell when my feet are gonna touch to get a step in, I can't see sh...there I’m movin’ a little now, where’s that ra...Crap! Tighter...choking...stop, stop, stop oh shit touch, touch, touch! Oh Jesus I’m so sorry, Oh Fuck I ca...Oh God I didn’t mea

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