Sunday, May 26, 2013

Galaxial Correctness

If it turns out there are actually extra terrestrials, would we need to stop calling them aliens because it's demeaning and we don't want to insult anyone that owns ray guns? If so, won't that really piss off the illegal immigrants? (Cuz I'm bettin we'll still call them aliens no matter what.) What would we call the bugeyes then, non-natives? And would I then get arrested for having said the "b" word? Or would bugeyes become pop culture slang that even the bugeyes would get behind to show they're not so easily insulted, hoping to make us think they're friendly when really they're just hungry and only here because they see us as a food source.

What if they were actually here first but left because the sun hurt their huge, unlidded eyeballs; would they be the natives and we, the even bigger collected evil imperialists bent on genocide in the tradition of Columbus, Genghis Khan and the whole lot of the tribal chiefs of Africa? Wouldn't that really make guys like Native Americans and Aborigines even more angry than they already are? Would we have to go back to that stupid "east indian-red indian" thing cuz now Natives, formerly known as aliens walk among us and have usurped the nativeness right our from under the previously thought to be natives?

If we let the neuvo natives live here (like it'd be our choice) and we still celebrated our cultural holidays and ate our uniquely carbon based planetary foods while chatting about our global village permeated yet cosmetically distinct and individually respected as equal cultures, would we be ignoring the new kids, making them all sad and stuff, and so it would take a few ray gun slaughters in mixed species high schools before we figured out what Earth-o-centrists we'd become? And if Michael Moore made a movie about the shootings, like "Native's Reticent Ray Gun Rights Rescue" or something, would Mirimax be forced to show it because the board of directors would have been taken over by Martians by then and they were pleased to spread propaganda so long as it was in their favor?

Would the new guys have to learn English, or in the case of New Natives who land in Oslo, would they have to learn both Norwegian and English and then, as their human cousins do, learn how to piss and moan about what a burden it is to be multilingual and how English speakers are so damned arrogant to expect the rest of the galaxy to blah bl blah bl blah..... or would we all just have to learn Altair or Martian or Serius or some weirdo thing like that and then we'd get to whine?

And if it's the latter, would we all rise up and picket because we just can't make those gurgly sounds that comprise every other letter of their book long alphabet, and cuz we wont eat that green regurgitated glop like the new Natives do; so we're always gonna be seen as culturally lacking, and we're not happy about being the objects of such outrageous prejudice? If our signs say Bugeyes go Home!, will they care and heed our warning, apologizing for the interruption and then fly off to that other home world? Or just shoot us all with ray guns and turn us into regurgitatable green glop.

Man, I hope there's no ETs...life is already too damn complicated.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully said, as is so often the case.

    Have you seen District 9?

    ReplyDelete