Friday, June 28, 2013

The Casino Bus Bandit

What a great day I had! I rolled out of bed and there was Dusty the Dog standing at the door with a gym bag in his mouth. The bag was bigger then him so I can't imagine how he was carrying it, but I'm not one to look miracles in the mouth, or however that goes. So guess what was inside the bag? A million dollars! Wait... no, TWO MILLION! Yea, no shit!

Well you know I couldn't believe my luck so the first thing I did was had breakfast to get that sleep taste outa my mouth; I made myself a dragon's egg omelet with spam chunks and creamed corn salsa and while I was sharing it with Dusty the wonder dog I kinda spilled the money over my head like I'd see Scrooge McDuck do in the Disney comic books my gramma bought me for Christmas when I was 7 years old. Of course I got a few hundreds mixed in with the eggs but it was no big deal really, kinda like spinach, though the new paper made them a little chewy so more like really really freezer burned spinach. Well after breakfast I thought man, if I had two million dollars what would I buy? And I have to admit I thought of you guys first, my Facebook friends list residents!. But then I thought "yea but what about the guys who never ever talk to me? Should I really give them the same share as the people who hang on my every word and daily express their adoration?" And then I thought "well geez, I bet if I started givin out money people would be comin outa the woodwork to call me their friend and then they'd want a share too and I'd spend my whole day sayin 'no sorry, you're only a 3/32nds friend so you only get a tiny portion of what everyone else gets' and then they'd threaten me with something like having that Snowden fellow hack into my emails and tell the world about my secret hidden email potty mouth, you know, like he's famous for", and then I'd be so crabby all the fun would be taken from the idea so I stopped thinkin about you guys so I could go back to grinning. Man, charity's a painful thing, you really gotta be careful.

So I thought maybe I should take Dusty and go to Dairy Queen so we could celebrate. It's not every day your dog comes home dragging a bag bigger than him with two million dollars in it! And so we drove and I got there and guess what? It was customer appreciation day and everything in the store except the big cakes that I really don't like anyway was on sale for half off! And I said "I don't care really cuz I have two million dollars so I can pay full price anyway" and the girl at the drive up window said "look mister, don't get wise, you don't get to pick the price; it's half off, live with it! Now whaddya want?"

And I was so crushed cuz I was treated badly by a teenage girl in a drive in window in a Dairy Queen I just drove away muttering swear words and started thinking about where else I could spend my fortune. That's when I saw the bus!

It was one of those fancy busses with the nice pin-striping except it was crashed into a sinkhole like God had just said "I'm gonna stop that bus" and He couldn't think of any way to do it but to make a big hole in the road. So like the back tires were still turning cuz the butt end of the bus was stickin way up in the air and all the people from the bus were sitting on the curb drinking hot chocolate, or at least those that weren't ice fishing in the little pond beside the road. (Even though it was only yesterday it was winter when this happened. Well and, Dusty the Dog has been dead for a year but here he was, alive and cute as hell! Go figure) I was just dumbstruck you know? Here was some fellow human beings that might need my help and since I wasn't on line directing psychic traffic and dispensing answers to every question in the universe, I just happened to have the time. It was like God had said "I have a test for you Ron, to see if you're really going to hell or not. I'm gonna give you two million dollars and then crash a bus and see what you do."

And I thought "Wow that's pretty random God; what if I had gotten there ahead of time so when the hole opened up in the road I could have thrown the two million dollars into it and instead of the bus crashing it'd just drive over the money like it was a big green bridge!"

And God said "Hey stupid, who you kiddin? I know everything remember? You weren't gonna do that so just get that outa your brain!" And I thought "Wow that's really cool that God talks like a third generation Czech/American farmer; I'd always wondered if He actually said "thee" and "thou" and "copulated" like they say in the Bible which is supposed to be his diary or something."

Anyway there was the bus and there was this old woman that looked just like one of those Russian nesting dolls, you know with the heavy coat and the big bandana and the round head and big black galoshes they wear so they can walk through piles of cow poop without getting their feet all wet, and she's wandering around crying and waving her arms like she's cursing at something. It makes me so curious that I park about a block away so no one sees I have a car and asks for a ride to the hospital and I walk back to the old lady and stand close enough to hear what she's saying without having her catch my eyes with hers and think that's a signal that I'm willing to hug her and she grabs me and slobbers all over my good winter jacket. And you know what she's saying?

Well it was in Russian but I had a Russian girlfriend once so I think I can translate... she said "Come back with my casino profits of two million dollars you cursed little dog!" It was either that or "But I hate goat cheese, it's so smelly, don't you have an English Stilton?"

Of course I figured it was the first one since it had to do with me personally and almost everything does. So I asked her to describe the event and she said she'd won the Jackpot Jubilee at the Mystic Lake Indian Casino and they'd changed a million pounds of quarters into two million dollars in hundreds and stuffed em in a gym bag. Then while the free senior citizen bus was taking her back to the New Prague Mala Strana nursing home, the bus crashed and the luggage door flew open and out came the bag right into the waiting jaws of a little teeny dog with a punk hairdo and away he goes dragging this big ass bag through the snow.

Now I know Dusty had been running away lately but I had no idea he'd been going all the way to Prior Lake to watch casino busses pass by so I ran back to my truck and I said "Dusty, were you down here about an hour ago?" And he looked at the dash and he looked at me and he looked at the dash... So I reached inside and turned the ignition on so the clock would come on and then he looked at the clock and then he looked at his feet like he was guilty as hell and he knew it.

So what else could I do? I was sure my mom and grammas were watching up in heaven and if I kept the money and then died and by some stroke of luck I'd passed God's test and got into his kingdom, well I'd bet the women would kick my ass for being so thoughtless. And if you were going to heaven, would you want the first thing you hear once passing the pearly gates to be "C'mere you" as your mom grabs your ear and drags you out behind God's garden shed for a whoopin? Yea, well me neither. So I gave the old lady her stupid gym bag and told her I was sorry about eating the few hundreds in my eggs, and she forgave me just before an old guy pulled out an accordion and they did a little Czech dance, singin something about "with two million dollars to stuff my mattress I'll sleep like a babushka" or who knows, I kinda know Russian but Czech is just too weird.

Sure, I scolded Dusty and on the way home I really wanted to get a banana split but I'd been embarrassed by the cashier and I was afraid she'd know who I was when I ordered, and she'd secretly put gummy worms in my sundae so when I was driving and eating I'd see a green worm come poking out and be so scared I'd throw the damn ice cream and it'd splatter all over my windshield and I'd turn on the windshield wipers but the goo would be on the inside so the wipers wouldn't help and I'd run into a tree and die.

So I skipped the Dairy Queen and me and Dusty just went home so I could watch Doctor Phil and he could eat poop like he always does. Toldja I had a great day!

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