Saturday, June 1, 2013

The End of the Reign of the Platypus

So, if I have an aversion to witnessing bird sex would that make me a Hetroaviaphobe? Or maybe there is no recording of same gender bird love so it'd just be an ordinary Aviaphobe, though then some might get the idea I was afraid of birds and not just turned off to their rubbing their parts together. I imagine Aviacoitaphobe would get the idea across, though without a penis between them I'm not so sure coitus would be correct either. Maybe birdiedoingthenastyophobe, yet it'd be hard to make passionate a crowd of birds protesting to have the unhindered right to rub their parts together in public, if they had to repeatedly chant "down with birdiedoingthenastyophobes!"

I wonder if in 20 years I'd find the term in an encyclopedia under "the dangers of birdism", or in the newly Al Gore written U.S. constitution under the "species rights" clause which might state "Bird part rubbing is a natural phenomena and therefore to interrupt it in any way constitutes a crime against all birddom and by proxy, all other species including personkind itself. In fact to speak of it disparagingly constitutes the even more grievous crime of animal mocking, punishable by public shaming, the new paradigm of correctional science." (Al can be a little verbose you know)

I wonder if all that publicity would backfire, getting people that had never noticed birdsex before now, incensed that this kind of thing was going on in broad daylight. They might start non profit organizations, collecting donations in order to "Stop Openair Birdsex Before It's Too Late" or maybe they'd show educational videos on how to build little birdhouses with little shutters on the little windows so that anyone offended, or even anyone carrying small children high enough to see inside, might close the blinds on birdsex forever. Then they might hold rallies, standing behind police barricades outside city parks shouting "If God had wanted birds to have sex in public He would have given them the power to become invisible to young children and adults with discriminating sensibilities!" or something shorter that kinda means the same thing.

And then obviously the hate the birdsex haters would have to stand on the other side of the street screaming "What do we want? BIRDSEX!. When do we want it?...." God, will they ever come up with a more creative/less stupid cliche?

Man, maybe if all that stuff would happen just cuz I didn't like watching birdsex and I made a big stink about it, instead of whining I should just look the other way. We could call it the "No peekie-no squeaky" policy, unless that's been copyrighted by the ratsex people in which case I'd come up with another just as clever I assure you.

Of course, being forced to turn my back whenever shamless birds begin their googly eyed frictional contact interrupts my God given right to look out the window any time I please, and my rights are at least as important as any freaking bird's as not only am I human, but male and American too; a superior combination in almost any culture save France's! It's a quandary I tell you.

It's not so simple once you see all sides of the issue, I can hardly say "sure birds, go ahead and hump in my windowbox" cuz it kinda grosses me out. (I'm sorry, I can't help it; I grew up in a house where the only animals having sex were in porn magazines) But on the other hand I can't yet bring myself to offer this compromise: "humans-sex, birds-no sex, dogs-sex (puppies!), platypuses-no sex (duh, like yuk!)." Like birds and platypuses would listen to me anyway.

While we're on the bird topics, ya think pigeonholing has anything to do with pigeons? Or is that just another phobia masquerading as a filing system.

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