Thursday, July 18, 2013

Blue Grue News and Schmooze



Blue Grue News and Schmooze
World Report in Brief

Damascus:
In a freak accident, the final two Syrians died today when during a heated debate the men simultaneously shot AK 47s into the air to make a point, and each bullet returned to the earth perfectly positioned to enter each opposing shooter’s skulls. The argument had been raging for an hour, foreign bystanders said.

 

“Mr. Oshimi was adamant, he was the better Sunni!” said one German tourist.
 

“Yes but” countered Fred Fliterling, a Canadian journalist, “Mr. Sadaan insisted that HE was the best Sunni, and not only that, but since the civil war had left only two combatants standing, he was the best Syrian as well!”
 

“It was a one in a billion scenario” exclaimed Dr. Chun Lie of the UN organization ‘People for the Preservation of Two Citizen Nations’ or PP-TCN. “Middle Easterners have been shooting into the air as a way of adding an exclamation point to their statements for years, and almost never does anyone die from the returning lead ball! Who would have thought that TWO people would die at exactly the same time during the same argument over the same claim by the most horrendous luck imaginable while participating in the same stupid tradition?”
 

“Well put Doctor Lie” we say.
 

As there are no more Syrians in Syria, the country is at present being parceled off to nations beginning with the letter C, the exact order having been decided by rolls of 100 sided dice by the representatives of each nation, as provided for in the UN charter on Divvying up Stuff Left Over after Self Inflicted Genocide.
 

In related news, the reclusive leader of North Korea, Mr. Kim Jong-un has decided to change the name of his domain to Corea of the North. There is speculation that Mr. Kim is attempting to take advantage of the situation in Syria, but sources say, there is really no way on earth to understand what the man is up to. (It must be noted that he and his late father Jong-il have a similar propensity for magnificent mindlessness. While Jong-il was famous for making 18 holes in one on his first golf outing, this younger Mr. Kim is the most lucky dice roller on the planet, and once rolled two 100s in a row to defeat a red skinned chimera in a local game of Dungeons and Dragons!)

Mexico City:
Reluctantly, former president Vincente Fox has become the last person to leave Mexico, walking across the southern Arizona desert this morning to the beat of a tex mex rock band’s playing of the United States of Amexian anthem.

 

“It broke my heart to give up on my country” Mr. Fox told our reporters; “But it was damned lonely being the last true Mexicano. Perhaps now I can retire and live the good life, like my cousin Juan and his wife Conchita who live in Wichita, Kansas.”
 

Welcome home Vince. Be sure to turn the lights out!

In Entertainment News...
Hollywood:
Pop diva Britney Spears, to the surprise of even her closest fans, has grown a second head.

 

“We thought she was preggers again” said her manager and confidant, Braapp Barlow; “but suddenly, there she was, a second head on her pretty shoulders, and her tummy was as flat as a pop star diva’s tummy must be in order to keep the attentions of her fans off her mediocre vocals and onto their sexual fantasies.”
 

It was thought by many that Ms. Spears second head would sing, as her first head has been known to do.
 

“It woulda rocked man!” said the infamous Rolling Stone Keith Richards. “Just think, she coulda sang ‘armony with ‘ersef! Why, wha' I’d given to ‘ave been able to grow a second ‘ead before Jagger joined up!” After his comments, Mr. Richards suddenly fell from his unicycle and whacked his head on a nearby pinion tree stump, causing a horrible bruise requiring six ice bags and a gallon of Jack Daniels.
 

Ms. Spears herself has spoken on the matter of her second head, using her first mouth as the spokeslips for both cranial appendages. “I’ll be using this new head to think really deep thoughts” she said, followed by her patented smile, after which a half dozen tears rolled down her cheek. “I think I can help the world with all its problems, and I can’t wait to get started!” she added. “The first thing I’m gonna think about is… umm… why people are so mean!”
 

Stay tuned for miracles.

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