Thursday, August 29, 2013

On the Planet of Alliteralia, a War of Words

President Transcendental was beside himself. The Grand Visionary had just been involved in his third military strategy meeting of the week and by all reports his beloved Teelund was losing his accursed war against the dread Uvullites. “You’re acting like topiaries” he screamed at his Generals; “all spiffied up and nowhere to go! Now test a theory that will totally thump the tempestuous trouble makers, by trickery, treachery or tergiversation if need be… but damn it DO IT!”

Once in his office with only his staff present, General Tamarack whispered to Colonel  Tangential “Teamwork man! We must think teamwork!’ We need an ally in this fight!”

“Whom might you suggest” the Colonel responded; “Zeeboria hates us, we’ve consistently cheated Ellebron in trade negotiations and Transcendental was none too kind when he called the Premier of Peetwania a Pothead. There’s not many letters left!”

The General scratched his syllabus a moment, then said “How about the N’s? Are they available?”

Colonel Tangential grossly glottally stopped. “Oh please General, you must be aware… No one uses the N words anymore!”

“What about the F’s”

“Sure, if you really want ”Fuck” on your team.”

“I was thinking more like ‘Fortuitous’ or even ‘Flatulence’; we need a weapon as well as words in the field!”

“You get Flatulence, you get Fuck”, said the Colonel; “they nearly always come together though Fuck is often spoken under an observers breath.”

“Well think of something Tangential!”

From the back of the room the General staff secretary, Corporal Topography spoke.

“The Kardashians sir; the Kardashians are always looking for a konfrontation, even if they obviously don’t know how to spell one.”

Tamarack trumpeted “Of Course man! The K’s! Topography! Get Kolonel Kaboom on the phone right this minute! We have ourselves a trump card!”

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant. I'd enlist, though probably with the F battalion.