Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Things Could be Worse


Krauthammer. It's a silly name. Oh sure my father and grandfather bluster on and on about how important the Krauthammers have been throughout history; they're convinced it was a Krauthammer that started the order of Teutonic Knights for cheeses sake. But they have no idea how mercilessly the other kids tease me, how they laugh and make up variations and salute me like the Nazis do in old war movies.
 

So since pops wouldn't help me by allowing me to change my name to something less annoying, I begged my teacher to simply call me K, or Mister K, or even young K if that suited her. Then maybe everyone in the class would get the idea and start calling me Jimmy K and my life would become anonymous like all the Browns and Smiths in this stupid town.
 

She agreed to help me, and I'd thought her smiling at me meant she empathized with my situation and was pleased to come to my aid. But on the day she announced my new surname she explained to the class that to be fair to the other kids who shared my goofy name affliction, she would need to offer them all the opportunity to change their names to K as well, and then number us in our original, alphabetical order. Well wouldn't you know there would be eight others that thought it would be fun to be a "K". I tried to argue that Billy Johnson hardly had a name that was odd or silly, but Mrs. Flant said if Billy wanted to be a "K" then he could be on the list. Naturally the others had real names that began with the letters A through J, so I was the last "K" in the line. That made me "K-9".
 

It's been two weeks now, and I've admitted that I'd rather go back to my ordinary name and let the kids call me hammerhead if they like, or Sour-kraut or all the other stupid nicks they taunted me with before; but the teacher just laughs and says "a few more weeks perhaps and then we'll see." Anything would be better than these dorks barking at me and panting and sniffing. "Hey K9, woof woof!" Sometimes I have clever ideas that work really cool. This wasn't one of em.

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