Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Alphabet Project A-D

The Alphabet Project*
*The Rules:
1. Each entry will deal with subject matter beginning with a different letter of the alphabet.
2. All letters will be used and will be used alphabetically.
3. There will be twenty-six entries; no letter will be used more than once.
4. Subject matter will be be selected relatively spontaneously; I will not be planning out the entries in advance.
5. Attempts will be made to avoid covering subjects I cover on a regular basis.
6. This not intended to be a meme, but should anyone care to play along, they are welcome.

A is for Augment

As a kid I watched my upper arms, and hoped they’d grow real big;
‘cuz a man must have huge biceps, or a nice accounting gig.
But then I grew like Popeye, ‘twas my forearms that ballooned
So now strangers when they see me say, “poor man, he’s been babooned!”

Oh I prayed for massive shoulders that would lift a thousand pounds
I was blessed with massive ears instead, much like a Bassett hound’s
And I do regret to mention that I wanted solid thighs
‘till I found I had to buy my pairs of jeans in Cyclops size

Yet the worst, oh sure you guessed it, I had hoped for monstrous feet
As I’d heard the ancient rumor; shoe size = length discreet…
Well, I’ll here and now inform you, it’s a myth and that’s for sure
So my size 14’s and I are needing augmented amour

If you happen on a surgeon who has excess bags of tricks
Ask his Hippocratic highness if he augments candlesticks
‘Cuz I’m sure I’d be more likable, if added to my show
was a candlestick to match my feet, and not my little toe 

B is for Boo-Boo

I had a little boo-boo
and showed it to my mom
I told her I was beaten by our rotten neighbor Tom
She kissed my little owie and she said "I'll fix his wagon"
She got her favorite blowgun and her poison storage flagon

She told me "call the coward"
I did as I was told
I stood outside and shouted "Tom's a booger made of mold!"
When Tom came out to challenge me my mom took careful aim
She got him right between the eyes, his hair burst into flame

And now my boo-boo's better
while Tom's has just begun
he changed his name to Molly and he's off to be a nun
so let this be a warning to those bullys that I've known
I have a mean old mommy, and she'll make you creeps atone

C is for Comeuppance
I went riding one day upon such a fine steed
('twas a white crested high horse in fact)
from his haunch I could see, quite indubitably
I knew everything in the abstract

So I visited friends and I shared what I knew
and they thanked me for being so kind
I was loved and adored and admired and implored
I became the community's mind!

But then one afternoon I decided to bless
a good friend with some terrible news
"Sir your toupee's banal, it can't boost your morale
I'd suggest you discard the poor ruse."

Our compatriots laughed, it was all in good fun
and the wisdom was sure to be seen
But the man wasn't pleased and he spoke his unease
"May you fall in the nearest ravine!"

Yes he told me to mate with my own body parts
and he told me to stay far away
When he left in a flurry, I started to worry
the man was as strong as wet clay

Soon I'd heard the poor fellow had dropped from his wagon
and drank like the fish he'd once been
he lost friends by the score as he slammed every door
and he squirmed in his self abused skin

Then within a few years I was told that he'd died
he'd succumbed to the drink for all time
I must hereby confess I feel wholly undressed
for my part in this terrible crime

Now I ride a swayed mule named Comeuppance McGee
I'm so low to the ground I've no view
If I raise myself up, please tell me to shuttup
Perhaps rude, but the right thing to do

D is for Dustpan
The Wizards get steeds, some, two dozen hands tall; white as snow, swift as arrows in flight
They get robes made of cashmere and scepters of gold, and a ball that glows purple at night

The Witches I'm told get an alchemist's bag full of newts and their various parts
They get brooms for the riding and carpets for gliding and strawberry/skittlebug tarts

But I got this dirty old dustpan. What's a mage s'posed to conjure with that?
Why I paid my tuition and earned my commission... I need a white rabbit and Hat!

to hear these go to...

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