Monday, November 18, 2013

Da Fatal Mistake of Da Bears




"Sorry I'm late guys, I was snatching salmon from the Mackenzie river and I kinda lost track of time." Oomchook clomped into the Dirty White Boys clubhouse living room expecting to hear a response from his friends. But not even a taunt rang out. Brothers Billi Gloo and Bobi Gloo seemed preoccupied with some odd looking, barkless, hollow tree that was sitting at the base of the cave's rear wall.

"I swear Billi" said Bobi; "when I was peeking through the window they were all looking at this box, waving their arms and screaming like I was already kickin their butts! It must have some entertainment in it somewhere!"

Billi shook his head and lifted his left paw to gently scratch under his chin. "I don't see anything to yell about Bobi, it looks like dirty snow in a tree trunk to me." He turned to the new arrival. "Damndest thing Oomchook, c'mere and look at this stump and tell us what you see."

Oomchook laughed as he shuffled in beside his subordinates. "Out scaring the neighbors again eh Bobi? What did you steal from them this time, another cooler?"

Bobi giggled and pointed toward the east wall which was smothered in floor to ceiling fiberglass coolers. "I think we've got the refrigeration thing taken care of Oomie; this here's something I've never seen before. Course, I'd never been inside the ranger's cabin before either."

The elder bear froze. "Are you insane? You went inside the ranger's cabin? Do you have any idea what'll happen now?"

Both Bobi and Billi roared and slapped their paws into each others. "Not much anymore pal" Bobi grinned. "Well, 'cept pretty soon I'll have to use the old outhouse if ya know what I mean."

"I don't know what you mean" replied an indignant Oomchook. "Explain to me what happened this instant and don't miss any details."

“Calm down brother bear, we’ll work this thing out” said Billi while swallowing a guffaw; but Oomie reached over to Bobi and whacked him on the forehead with the back of his paw. “Spill it mister!” he growled.

Bobi began to relate the entire day to the clan leader, in the high pitched nasal voice he always affected when he felt he was in trouble. Oomchook nearly whacked him again just to make him calm down, but he was far too shocked by the scene being unfolded by the youngest of the trio.

“I just wanted a looksee ya know” Bobi whined. “Hell we’ve been living here all our lives and I never saw the inside of a human’s cave. So I peeped. So, big deal right? But then while I was watching the ranger and his sidekick, ya know, that moron that thinks we’re just big white humans?… well they were yelling and jumping up and down real crazy like.”

Billi wanted a piece of the story so he leaped in at that point. “Yea, jumping and running around and waving their arms like those seal hunters we played with last week. Man, that was some good eatin!”

Oomchook turned to Billi, nipped at his muzzle and then said “did I ask you tubby? No! So shuttup!” Oomie sighed and calmly added “continue my young friend, you were window peeping…”

“Yea so I was just standing there watching the excitement and it was makin’ me kinda agitated, ya know like when a herd of caribou come running past the cave? So anyway, then they start chanting and it goes something like this…

Seahawks Rule, Bears Suck!, Seahawks Rule, Bears Suck!

“Well it goes on and on and on and I just got madder and madder until finally I couldn’t control my anger so I broke through the window and I killed em right there. They just stared at me like they’d never seen a Polar bear before, it was pathetic. So I says ‘who sucks now pal’ but they were both dead by then so no one answered.”

Oomchook just gazed at his claws. They were getting a bit long, he’d need to chew them soon or sure as hell he’d snag one in the rocks while he was catching fish and rip it right off. There was little point in obsessing about the past. The ranger was dead, the humans would come and hunt the bears. With luck, the clan would kill a few two leggers and get a good meal in before bullets found them too tired to pay attention.

“So what did you do with the bodies” he asked finally.

“I ate em” said Bobi; “S’why I’m laying like this, my tummy really hurts.”

“They might have been talking about Kodiak bears you know”

“Yea, I thought of that afterwards. What was I gonna do?” Bobi winked at his brother. “I apologized and all, but it didn’t seem to matter. They just wouldn’t come back to life once I’d crushed their little heads!”

Oomchook sat and stared at the box with a window. Time was short. They may as well make the best of it.

“So what does this thing do?” he asked no one in particular.

“Well while I was dining it made a lot of noise and there were humans in it running back and forth trying to kill each other. But since I grabbed it and pulled it here, it hasn’t done squat!”

“Well keep staring at it and if it does anything yell for me; I gotta do some business with mother nature. Be right back!”

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