Friday, November 22, 2013

The Legend of Crack Stepping

From the Sugartown Star
Blather Pundit reporting:

Mary Jane Lumpette of 1122 Snickerdooley Boulevard, Sugartown, is resting comfortably after having emergency surgery to repair a suddenly and quite mysteriously broken back. Her son, Clarence Lumpette, (aka Lumpy Lump) is being held for questioning as regards the alleged “incident involving possible malicious intent.”

Police chief Bruhaha would only say there is an investigation underway and that he could not comment further. The Sugartown Star however has discovered a witness to the perceived crime, one Bobby Ratchooer, best friend of young mister Lumpette. As Ratchooer recalls, it was just one of those things kids do for fun, and it seems to have gone horribly wrong.

“We were just playing around the high voltage lines you know?” said Bobby; “Up by the witch Mrs. Creepingsly’s house.”

The editors of the Sugartown Star hereby make clear that the use of the word “witch” is necessary as it's directly quoted from the witness and in no way represents the views of the newspaper or its sponsors, witch loving peoples all.

“We were doing the normal stuff you know? Playing marbles and spinning tops and stuff. And all of a sudden this crack appeared in the sidewalk. It happened real slow like, ya know like a circus strongman was ripping a telephone book in half or something. We didn’t even notice it was glowing and stuff until it was too late, all I could think of was that old chant ‘step on a crack, break your mother’s back’ and so I sang it out loud and then Lumpy said ‘Take this Mom!’ real loud ya know like he really meant it? Then anyway, he jumped right on the crack and we heard this horrible scream at the exact same time coming from way down the hill by Lumpy’s house so we just ran our butts off to get there cuz Lumpy thought his mom might have found his Playboys under his bed, but when we got there Mrs. Lumpy was screamin and cryin and stuff and yelling about how her back must be broken. So I ran and hid under my bed until you guys came over and my dad dragged me into the living room and told me to ‘fess up’ cuz he knew whatever it was I musta done it!”

The sidewalk in question has been roped off by police as a possible crime scene, and National forensic scientists are at this moment searching for any evidence of linkage between the crack and Mrs. Lumpette’s malady.

When asked if there was a definite correlation between the two, all Mr. Ratchooer could say is “Well duh!” That seems to be the prevalent opinion of the majority of adolescents interviewed this afternoon at the Sugartown Mall as well.

Emergency Medical Technician Steven Liplok said “we may find there is no connection at all; but in the meantime my advice is, don’t be stepping on any cracks until we know for certain.”

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