Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Occultified Bosomology Meteorological Interpretist

It's cold; a little bitter in fact. How cold exactly? It's too complicated now what with indexes that translate the actual temperature in connection with the humidity and wind, then determine the combination's effect on the bare skin of various ethnic groups, with deviations accounting for subject's stance, activity and metabolism, not to mention choice of breakfast food and number laces on one's shoes. No one can simply name the temperature anymore. Meteorologists must justify their bloated salaries by taking the most simple data and extrapolating it into a hundred variants so as to satisfy every individual circumstance and thereby retain audience members who are silly enough to think "the weatherman understands that I'm special and need my weather read to me in the most specific and complex way possible."

As a kid in Minnesota, in order to survive between August and May one needed to pay strict attention to the climate and all its hurried changes. We couldn't count on professionals to "feed" us information as one would need to stick around home during the news hour and if there was a more dull time to be inside rather than out... ; we needed to derive a reporting system of the present conditions on our own. So we one-upped the weather geeks; we created a verbal code amongst ourselves that would pretty accurately describe the "degreeability" in a simple, easy to remember form. I'm speaking now of "boy" kids, as "girl" kids had their own code that was much less discriminating and hardly detailed.

A girl, leaving the school's double doors and stepping into the frosty outsides would exclaim "Oh My!" if it were between freezing and 10 degrees F. Between ten and negative numbers, her gentle shout would sound more like "Dang It!" or "Gosh!", or in rare cases "Wow!". But unless the girl in question was Helen Swartout who had an excellent command of "Sailor's English" and could spit further than any boy in Sister Mary Martin's class (besides me), there were no other words to delineate between negative temperature extremes. Mostly, females would clamp their teeth and run with that kind of bent over hip swingy thing they do. The only way to determine actual degrees below zero with girls as a guide, was to count the number of them wearing some form of tights under their plaid, pleated skirts, as expressed in a percentage. Eleanor Raidtt in tights? -10. 50% with covered legs? -20. 70-74%? -30.

Boys on the other hand were more crude, but also more accurate. Their scale was based on a little known science, the field of Occultified Bosomology; a study that boys have always both feared, and lusted toward equally. "How cold is it?" one might ask. Were I to answer you in 5th through 8th gradese (and even into my twenties if I was feeling particularly immature), any temp below freezing would be "colder than...

a witches teat!" (Pronounced as it's spelled by the boys that didn't know any better which only added to the fun, but pronounced "tit" by "we who knew of such things")

As I've noted I was quite brilliant when young, and never questioned the origins of the "witches teat scale of meteorological measurement". I assumed a witch to be evil (discounting Glinda in the Wizard of Oz as an anomaly) and an evil witch would certainly have cold blood (so as to keep herself cooled while shoving various Hansels and Gretels to the back of the oven). In fact, their blood had to be as cold as cold can be,though it couldn't be below freezing or it'd... ya know... freeze! So... "colder than a witches teat" would be any temperature below 32 degrees F. That benchmark made, words needed to be added to the standard to express declining temperatures in ten degree increments. And so, to match 20 degrees was created "Colder than a witch's teat ... in a brass bra."

Now why brass was chosen as the metal by which to measure, was beyond my skills as an Occultified Bosomology Meteorological Interpretist, so I needed to get creative. I'd supposed a brass bra would lower a witch's breast temp another 10 degrees, but in reality I couldn't prove the difference. In order to grasp the concept, I finally imagined my testicles in a brass codpiece, and then the negative ten degree change affecting the appendage in a negative way was made obvious.

So what then you ask? What would be ten degrees above zero? "A witches teat in a brass bra... while seated on a copper broomstick!" 
Again, the choice of metal eludes me, but I suppose if copper conducts electricity better than all of its brethren, it would likely conduct chill in the same fashion. (logic > fact)

If you live in the north country you know there is a huge difference between 10 degrees above zero, and zero itself. Those of you unfortunate enough to use the Celsius scale won't have a clue as to what I'm saying, but trust me, it's a HUGE difference. And therefore, the addition of a huge difference in the witch's circumstance, so as to pinpoint her condition; missing undergarments. Yes, at zero it's "colder than a witches teat in a brass bra riding on a copper broomstick.... without panties!"

Below Zero it just gets worse.

-10= wt in a bb riding on a cb without p... over the North Pole!
-20= wt in a bb riding on a cb without p over the NP... while soaking wet!
-30= wt in a bb riding on a cb without p over the NP while SW... in a gale force blizzard!!!

I'd continue but I'm feeling a little sad for the witch at the moment; and as any northerner can tell you, after 30 below zero, it just doesn't matter anymore.

So, to go back to the beginning of this post, how cold is it here right now? Just cold I guess. But I can feel a certain sweat gland puffed fleshiness in the air as we speak, and I have seen the glint of brass in each sunset. As Elton John once tried to say, "The Witch is Back!"


  1. I think you should petition the weather channel to adopt this.