Friday, March 21, 2014

Cool Little Known Things About Me



10 weird habits/things/little known facts about me. These are mine. If you want some too, write your own damn 10 weird habits/things/little known facts cuz you can’t have these! (Unless you ask nicely)

1. I have a miniature ant farm between the big and second toes on my left foot. I used to have it on my right foot, but then I started limping on that appendage and the ants complained they didn't like the bumpy ride so I had to move them. I thought about just getting rid of it, but I've gotten accustomed to having company wherever I go... even if it's just social insects.

2. Some days I know I should shave the line of stubble beneath my beard, but I don't because the thought of lifting that 1/4 ounce razor and scraping hair off my face just sounds like way too much work; and as I wouldn't even be thinking about it if it weren't for the fact that I was going to work already and would be laboring for hours on end, I decide that I need to save my strength for what's ahead in the post shower day.

3. I'm kinda deaf from recording music for 20 years so I tend to say "huh" a lot; and sometimes I say "huh" even though I heard what you said because I'm so used to not hearing you on the first go around that my brain reacts before it comprehends that there's no need to "huh" cuz if I searched my very, very short term memory banks I'd find what it was you said and recognize it's importance. Never do I say "huh" because I heard what you said and it bored me beyond belief. Honest.

4. Sometimes I think I can just stare at someone who just pissed me off and in a few minutes I'll be able to telekinetically push them flat onto their backs where they'll grasp the need to fear my wrath soon enough to scream their apology just before I set them on fire with my pyro power. But then I remember that if I burn them to a crisp I'd be going to jail so it'd only make sense to burn everyone else that has wronged me too and the line would be so freaking long that I wouldn't have time to even scratch my butt for a decade. So instead of making a scene I just stare at my shoes and try to find my way to my car before something starts smoking.

5. My hair was once so long that I'd braid it into rope, tie a three pointed anchor to it, fling the anchor like a Scottish hammer until it hooked onto a building window ledge or something, and then climb up and sneak in the window so I could search the house for old comic books in fine condition. Once I found a box of "The Tick", but the 20 issues were only in average condition so it wasn't worth carrying them all the way home. Once when I was lost in the woods and really hungry I tied a wishbone shaped twig onto the end of my hair and caught myself a brook trout.

6. I took so much LSD when I was young that I have a permanent whirly twirly repository in my brain. If I need a vision to inspire me to write nonsense, I just open the floodgate and let a little cosmic goo wander through my hippobottomfeederous. The colors are amazing, though I'm a little tired of seeing Mister Natural pop up in every hallucinogenic journey.

7. I can't accept compliments. In my wish center I hope I'm an uber talent, but in my heart I think I probably write badly conceived, poorly executed, pedestrian drivel, and anyone who says differently is just trying to be nice to me because they can tell it's really important and they feel sorry for me like I might break down and have to live in a nut house for the rest of my life if they told me what they really think.

8. Sometimes Theodore Geisel speaks through me. I tell him "Go now Teddy! STOP STOP STOP!" But he just smiles and opens shop...

9. I started 2 female characters on Everquest cuz my first guys weren't moving fast enough and were kinda ugly, and if ya gotta look at your stupid character for 12 hours at a time it may as well be a cute chick. But then I started really kickin butt and leveled up real fast so all of a sudden I was a powerful beast and everyone wanted to be around me cuz I was a killin machine, 'cept they all thought I was a chick and they'd try to flirt with me and when I told 'em I was a guy they'd flip out. I wanted to have a successful guy character but I didn't want to start over and go through all that crapola again so I searched all over Norrath for a sex change operation and can you imagine? There'r no gender modification surgeons in Everquest! Why, I was payin ten bucks a month for that crappy game and I couldn't even add a penis onto my freakin' Druid!!!

10. Some days I'm so tired of life and health issues and money problems and the insanity around me, I just want to lay down and die. But I've tried that a few times and I can say with some confidence that asking God to take you before He's ready is pointless. And besides, if I lay down too long eventually I'll fall asleep, and then I'll be so mortified once I wake up I'll have a whole new reason to want to die. So now I just do dangerous things, like stand on the top step of ladders even though there's a bright yellow sticky tag on every ladder that says "FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Don't stand on the TOP STEP!!!" One can only hope that some day I'll fall off and hit my head on a big rock that just happens to be sitting on the floor in whatever hallway I'm replacing the light bulb in and I'll spill my brains, including the whirly twirly depository, and die. Free at last!

1 comment:

  1. Fascinating! I knew a couple of those but an ant farm? Wow.

    ReplyDelete