Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Key Word is "Into"

Usually I don't listen to music radio, but when I do it's generally an eclectic all over the road world rocker kinda thing, cuz what's popular here now is retro and I can only take hearing "The South is Gonna Rise Again" so many times before I puke. I've tried the local "new" pop station many times over the years, but it seems every time I switch to it they're playing a Hootie and the Blowfish retrospective or some John Mayer tune that I've heard 3 times a day for the last 65 months.

So today talk radio bored me and PBS was into "Science Friday" which is fine except I'm driving and driving while you're asleep is never a good idea, so I turned on the "Current" (the local MPR version of underground/new age radio) hoping that it would provide me with a little innocuous background and not jump into a 90 minute rap breakout within the first few miles. It was just fine for a while, and then they introduced a song called something like "Your Mouth Into Mine" by some new age dweeb named Frank Black or something. At first I was just hoping that the announcer had screwed up, and really what he'd meant to say was "Your Mouth ON Mine", cuz at least that'd make sense. But then some jerk cut me off and I had to concentrate on driving so I lost my train of thought. Until... suddenly I hear this guy singin' "your mouth into mine", and it wasn't just once, but over and over like it was such a great idea he couldn't get enough of saying it! "Your mouth into mine, your mouth into mine, your mouth into mine" like that!

Now let me assure you, I like making out and all; and a good "French" kiss is the best (though I actually like toying with a woman's lips almost as much as dancing tongues). But I was a little dumbfounded trying to imagine how one would put their entire freaking mouth into someone else's mouth! Even imagining the lead in was a little difficult. "C'mere honey and put your face near mine. (whispered) I love you ya know. Here, let me open my mouth as wide as a bus depot and you can put your entire freaking mouth into mine!!!"

I've had a lot of things in my mouth in 55 years. I'm sure when I was a toddler I even had toy trucks in there, cuz I'm sure at that age a toy fire truck looks exactly like a nipple and when you're hungry, any old nipple will do! I once was dared to get a whole loaf of commercial white bread in my mouth at one time, and though I had to talk the guy into allowing me to cut off the crust, I took the dare and won myself the lifelong adoration I deserved! And I've had plenty of tongues in there, large and small. In fact I once had a girlfriend who I could only imagine had been a cow in a former life and during the reincarnation process the bovine tongue came along for the ride. And I have to admit while it was difficult, and sometimes a little freaky, I was able to derive some pleasure with a slab of meat the size of a beef tenderloin in my mouth. I don't know this of course, but I'm betting I could get about 6 hot dogs with buns, pickles and condiments in there at one time, but only because I could chew as I go... yet as far as I know from my studies of the human anatomy, you can't chew the freaking mouth of someone you love just so you can fit it into your own mouth!

How would you do this exactly, I wondered. Visualize the chick standing straight, and you twist your head completely on the horizontal so you are absolutely perpendicular to the mouth in question. Then you steer your upper lip onto her left earlobe, and stretch your jaw until your lower lip makes contact with her right earlobe! This is what? Romantic? Sexy? And what about the chin? Isn't it kinda in the way? I suppose you could expand your left cheek (in the imaginary diagram I've drawn here) and slip the left seam of your upper and lower lips over her chin so you actually have the whole freaking mouth in yours!

And then what? Ever tried to waggle your tongue in a dentist chair, when your skull is split in half at the jawline like some godawful Monty Python closing credits cartoon head? So maybe I could move the tongue a little. So what? So I'd then be able to play with the little cracks between her teeth like I do with mine all day?

Is it any wonder I don't listen to much music? "Your mouth into mine"???? Good God in heaven! Isn't there enough fun in sucking face without having to actually Suck Face?

If this is how it's going to be done from here on in, you can just count me out. Call me an old fuddy duddy, but I like my lip smacking on the lips, and not on the esophagus.

1 comment:

  1. This is where shows like 'Hannibal' influence generations