Thursday, July 31, 2014

Life is Complicated

As it turns out, Thin Mints are preferred to literature, even in a Newspaper office where people actually feed their families on what they earn by attempting to make others read the word drivel they produce. I of course knew this going in, but once again I tried to overcome my cynicism by taking a chance that I was wrong and the silver lining people were right.

I can't take it personally of course; well ok I can but I won't... I spose.... cuz my late mom would tell me that's bad and waggle her index finger at me to reinforce her wishful thinking nonsense, and we all know how grueling it is to feel badly about your mom feeling badly because you feel badly.

On the other hand, the three people that I comically browbeat in advance, telling them they had no choice but to participate even before the tome appeared in the office, did actually participate, no matter how reluctantly, making me feel a little sorry that I'd done the browbeating since then there's no way to tell if they were just afraid I'd go postal if I were disgruntled, or they actually give a shit about the written word beyond that which qualifies as a client contract that would portend a personal commission in progress. I would guess the latter and let's face it, I'm damn near always right, but then there's that same mom finger wag thing I was talkin about before so I won't guess, I'll just assume instead cuz I'd rather admit to being "an ass" than a disappointment to my dear dead mother.

I wonder how high a house of cards I can assemble using books. I bet to the moon. Then the moon could read the story I wrote about it. I'm sure he'd like it, and as everyone would freely say, one should always have the Moon's good graces by their sides. I think that's what they say anyway...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Ron Wrote a Book!

I made a book with my very own name on it. I needed to sell a few, just because. I figured I could do it at work cuz, ya know, girl scout cookies... need I say more? But the last book I made and brought there only sold 2 copies so either people don't like poetry or don't like me or don't consider a book as worthwhile as a couple boxes of thin mints. So this time, I made a poster.


HEY EVERYBODY!
RON WROTE A BOOK!

Yea! Ron! You know… ECM Employee number 5109 Ron!
Scary Warehouse Guy Ron!
Tshirt in the winter motorcycle freak Ron!
Yea That one!!!!

Go figure. Hard to believe he could even string two sentences together! But as you can see beside this lovely poster, there are books with his name on them just sitting there waiting for you to fondle them! And you can have one of your very own!

Now I’m sure you’re thinkin “what the heck do I want with a book?” Well, maybe it can be NOT a book! Maybe it can be a beer coaster! You can actually use it for whatever you please once you own a copy. Take it with you to the grocery store so you can attract literate singles with your obvious intelligence and good taste! Keep it in your truck so the next time you hit the ditch in a blizzard you’ll have emergency fire starting materials! The possibilities are endless!

“How much is this book?” you’re probably asking. “Almost as cheap as a single stick of gum” I say in my mildly hyperbolic way. Ok, ok; it’s…..
ten bucks… err TEN BUCKS!

Yes, only ten dollars will get you this handcrafted, slaved over pile of words and symbols compiled in an almost uncannily deity-like way! Think about what ten bucks will normally buy you. Why, you could go to Chick fil-a and buy some silly happyish meal complete with dessert for about ten bucks. But then, you’d likely start eating it right in your car as you drive away when suddenly you get a flat tire and you try to get your mayo smeared hand back on the wheel so as to control your now swerving death trap but it can’t get a grip with that ten bucks worth of chicken juice all over it so you run up over a curb and into a ditch where you crash into a tree and are consumed by a giant fireball!

Or, you could buy this book.


People, the choice is obvious. Live!
Buy the damn book!


If the idea of actually paying for a book is holding you back, because you can just go to different library systems and steal them a few at a time, well then think of this as a donation to one suffering in abject poverty, one of America’s working poor, a guy who’s likely given you more than 10 dollars work of giggles over the years, if not in this sign alone!

There are a dozen books here. It would be nice to not have to make Ron carry them all home. He’s old. He’s damned tired. Hell, he hardly has the strength anymore to lift his own spirits much less a pile-o-paperbacks! Please, be compassionate. Save him from exercising unto his doom! Replace these giant weights with teeny little paper things that say 10 in each corner and also have lovely pictures of Abe Lincoln, our most generous and thoughtful president on them, looking right into your soul, saying “buy this book! Don’t disappoint me!”

“Ok, you’ve convinced me” you say; “tell me how I can buy this amazing book!”

It’s as easy as pie! (That no bake pie, that’s kinda really whipped cream with powdered flavoring in it, that comes frozen; the kind of pie mom never totally thaws out before she serves it, but you don’t care cuz… PIE! DUH!)

Just take your ten dollars in whatever form you like (no live 10 dollar chickens please) to our lovely overworked and way underpaid staffer who sits at the front desk because she was “volunteered”, and say “Hey Gail! I’d love to buy one of Ron’s books” and then hand her the dough at which time she’ll say “well go get one then; do I have to do everything around here?”

So there it is. Book! Like the old days! Made out of paper and all good stuffs!

Buy one now, they vanish on Wednesday cuz Ron needs to make sure he has one at home in case Oprah calls…